Sometimes I picture myself floating in the ocean back in forth between big waves and baby ones. I get such strong and overpowering feelings, often ones that are much bigger than me. Feelings that are drowning. There are times of peaceful and calming waves and then there are storms that can last days, weeks, even longer. The waves overpower me some days and others I conquer them. The ocean is vast and intimidating and most of the time so are my thoughts and feelings. What if I never face another day when I’m not in pain? How am I supposed to function in the real world? What if I am never well enough to have and keep a real job? Will I ever stop feeling inadequate?

I get this burning, terrifying feeling that I am inadequate. It’s a reoccurring feeling that I have yet to shake. I know I have had it for awhile but it wasn’t until my illness grew louder that I really heard it. It feels like everyone else is moving at the speed of light in comparison to me. I am moving through life at my own pace and there are moments where I am truly happy to be slowing down, but yet there are still these overpowering waves that drown me in inadequacy. The water whispers into my ears and tells me these feelings may never go away. I try and drown out the sound of the waves with music but somehow the perfect melodies know how the waves make me feel. The melodies know me better than the person floating next to me.

I think there’s an unspoken expectation most young people feel to go to college as soon as you graduate high school and to finish it in a mere four years. We have a small window to figure everything out and then as soon as it closes we have to automatically have it all together. I think most of us even realize how ridiculous this is but we still see “everyone” around us have it all together and frantically try and do the same. Everyone is getting married, everyone is getting a grown up job, everyone has it together.

I took a medical leave from school for a year and it was somehow one of the hardest and best decisions I’ve ever made. I wasn’t just floating in the midst of waves back then—I was drowning in tsunamis. I had this idea in my head of who I needed to be but I was dealing with being extremely sick. I wasn’t able to function at all. So I packed up and left behind the life I had been creating with my friends that felt more like family. I moved back home with my parents after tasting freedom, and while my life was in a complete standstill everyone else was still moving. Everyone kept moving along, moving on. And while my feet were unable to move and my body was weighed down the ocean seeped in, to whisper all the secrets she keeps. Suddenly I was out in waters I did not know. Feelings I did not want forced me to toss and turn. I was missing out on the life I had that everyone else was still living, I still am. I don’t feel equipped to handle school. I don’t feel good enough. I feel like I’m drowning.

Last year when I was taking my medical leave I made a promise to myself. I was in the middle of one of the largest tsunamis of my life between tumor scares, the ever-present migraines, insomnia, endometriosis, PCOS, coming down with Mono, and still dealing with some level of my depression. I was drowning. I couldn’t move. I lived in one of two pair of leggings and a XXL sweatshirt that I referred to as my Mono clothes. It was all I could do to walk up the stairs to my room at night and would take me an hour to stand up to go to the bathroom. I sat in the same chair for months staring. Staring at screens, books, the ceiling. I watched movies and too much TV, I read books my mom would say are depressing, and I’d scroll on my phone or computer all day just staring. Staring at pictures of people I used to be standing beside, pictures of me, the person I felt the most distant from. I felt like a shell of a person just floating in the ocean waiting to see where I would land. So I made a promise to myself. A promise that I would focus on me and only me.

You see, I’ve been a people pleaser for as long as I can remember. I have bent myself over backwards trying to keep other people’s happiness alive more times than I can count. I still think it’s important to be there and help everyone as much as you can. But I no longer allow myself to drop taking care of me for anyone or anything. I realized I owe no one an explanation of my health because it’s mine, and mine only to share. That was earth shattering for me and I don’t know why. Why would I need to share with everyone what goes on in the most intimate parts of my mind? That’s where the answers to the “how are you?” and “are you okay?” questions remain. I am out in the ocean drowning and people expect me to shout to the shore if I’m okay.

So I decided, I promised myself, to ignore what everyone else was screaming and listen to myself. No matter if the waves were screaming I would tune them out and hear myself, what I need.

 

It is in the unknown waters that I find comfort, that I find peace. I don’t know where I am or where the waves are taking me but somehow, through it all, my faith not only remains, it is stronger. I have not only survived out in the ocean I have thrived on faith. I have had and will continue to have drowning moments but I don’t ever fully drown. The Lord gives me all the strength I need to survive out in this vast and intimidating ocean. Some days I feel the waves sink in telling me I am inadequate but as fast as they crash in the Lord tells me I am beloved.

To watch the video for this post click here.

Matthew 14: 24-36 (NLT)

“Meanwhile, the disciples were in trouble far away from land, for a strong wind had risen, and they were fighting heavy waves. About three o’clock in the morning Jesus came toward them, walking on the water. When the disciples saw him walking on the water, they were terrified.

In their fear, they cried out, “It’s a ghost!”

But Jesus spoke to them at once. “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “Take courage. I am here!”

Then Peter called to him, “Lord if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.”

“Yes, come,” Jesus said.

So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted.

Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?”

When they climbed back in the boat, the wind stopped. Then the disciples worshiped him. “You really are the Son of God!” They exclaimed. After they had crossed the lake, they landed at Gennesaret. When the people recognized Jesus, the news of his arrival spread quickly throughout the whole area, and soon people were bringing all their sick to be healed. They begged him to let the sick touch at least the fringe of his robe, and all who touched him were healed.”

If you want to listen to the songs I was listening to when I wrote this click here.